An
Immigrant's Lot
She
sits on slate grey rocks,
inert,
suspended and prayerless, far from home,
silently
watching the sapphire Mediterranean sea
become
a graveyard.
Rendering
swollen bodies, swallowing hope,
laying
waste to lives.
A
kiss lies ready on her lips for him and her child.
The
moment they embarked the
dilapidated
carcass set recklessly adrift,
a
ceaseless agony that clouds the days and years
pounding
in her head,
begging
to be released.
Numbly
clinging to the pain,
over and over summoning the memory when they held hands,
sliding
weak and exhausted from hers,
despite
her pleas.
Leaving
her abandoned in the biting, black waves,
waiting
and wish-less, with no one to call her own.
LR
summary: the first draft came concise and I had a hard time finding a way to improve despite not being satisfied with the description it portrayed. Through the revision inventory exercises I found several words that I could improve on and by taking away all the line breaks from the first draft and reading it out loud to myself I found new line breaks that create more of a story, which was one of my purposes. I found the 'language and texture' exercise useful and will apply it to my writing in the future. I also found a new title but always have a dilemma about titles so I will keep on looking for a new one for this one too, although I do feel like this title is more related to my intentions than the title from the draft which seemed like a news item. Any comments are appreciated!
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